IN ANOTHER LIFE

By Ayesha Ali

In another life,

you hold my hair back as I spill out onto the bathroom floor,

but in this one, I gripped the toilet sink with both hands

and three years down the line

I still feel ashamed.

In another life,

I get domestic without being domesticated,

sunset in my periphery strikes the fading dye job

and for the first time

I am not angry

when I see red.

This is my homeland, this is my kingdom,

these four walls and this small kitchen

I pour devotion into your cup and honey in mine,

I’m as sober as I’ve ever been, but only in this life.

The fan whirs and a tik tok girl hums along

it should be your voice in my head.

Childhood nostalgia revised through digital doomscroll

it should be your low timbre instead.

It should be the way language drips anxiously from your lips

til its heart beats in my chest, til it sends warmth to my hips.

In another life,

time is on my side,

god listens to me

for once in his life.

I wash the dishes in the afternoon

you wash my hair in the evening

the migraine was too strong this time

but I still wanted to feel clean.

I look into your eyes and all is forgiven

I am absolved without a hint of repentance.

They’re close to hazel, but they’re not that holy,

they reflect back sunlight, but they don’t speak slowly.

I wake up early, you get up late

I knew what this was from the very first day.

I sit outside, you’re on the run

you never learned to tell me until we were done.